“Just be yourself” That’s a really loaded statement isn’t it? How many of us don’t feel comfortable in our own skin? I’m not just talking about looks, you can just not feel like you have a lot to offer. There is a small feeling that nags at you – if you were a little more interesting, if you had something more to say, if you were smarter…

Why do we feel this way at times? A big reason is how much faith we put in others, that they are telling us the truth. There is always that one person that always seems successful. I wonder sometimes how much they are telling us the truth, and how much is a front because they can’t be who they really are. Let me ask you this, how often do you congratulate others for their success? When was the last time that you said to someone, “I genuinely feel happy for you”? What happens instead is that we ask ourselves why weren’t we able to be that successful. Rather than putting out positive energy we are just loading ourselves with negativity. These are the cycles and thoughts that lead us to not act who we really are. If we can’t be who we really are, we act how we think others should see us. The problem here is that the golden rule is wrong. We have been instilled with the thoughts that you should treat others how you want to be treated. The issue is that we are all individuals, the way I want to be treated is very different than the way you want to be treated. So just as we should treat each person as an individual, they way they want to be treated. We should not try to act they way we think they should perceive us. These feelings and actions are shared.

To break this cycle, and just be who we are. while feeling good about it, we have to identify the behavior and substitute it with an appropriate reaction.

Get a journal and divide a page into 4 sections. Title them, who I am, who I want to be, I am not because, I will. Under the “who I am” section. Make a list of at least 5 characteristics that you are. List positive and negative items. It’s completely okay to not like certain aspects about who we are. This list isn’t meant to dwell, but to get brutally honest with ourselves. Can you do it? Can you write the item that you know you don’t like about yourself?

If you are finding it hard to make a list and just feel stuck, go find a photograph of yourself when you were younger. Take yourself back to the moment of the photograph and think about your life then and now. What’s changed? What hasn’t? This will help jog your thought. 

After listing out who you are, and I mean who you really are, make another list of who you want to be. Think about the most endearing qualities that you feel are important. When doing this exercise, it’s normal to not be able to think of things you want to be. Again, go back to that photograph, and think about your dreams and desires. Even if it was a photo from a year ago, so much can change in that time. Whole wars may have been fought since that last picture.

Now that you have your two lists, its time to make some actions. We have to identify what it is about ourselves that get in the way with us taking ourselves to the next level. Start listing out the things, that you know you do to sabotage yourself. Sound odd? It’s not, we sabotage our own success all the time. Success can often mean change, and change is uncomfortable even if it has really great consequences. So time to get really in touch with our feelings. Take a plunge and start writing. Here are some examples I often see in this exercise:

• I lie to others because I’m afraid I’m too boring
• I don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings, so I do/don’t do “X”
• I get excited when I’m the center of attention and it feels good, I sometimes get carried away and I can see that it turns off some people.
• I’m so afraid to fail, I would rather do nothing
• I’m over confident in my abilities and don’t always prepare for important interactions 

For the final step, you are now going to make a list of bridging actions to perform when the “I am not because” start to happen. Just like a physical dependence we become addicted to our behavior and allow it to go unchecked. These bridging actions are the catalyst that allow us to start taking action. When you start to perform an “I am not” immediate go into an “I will”. Don’t hesitate, don’t berate yourself, just acknowledge what has happened and allow it to pass through you as you perform your “I will”.

 Let’s look at some “I will” examples for our “I am not” in the context of who we are and who we want to be:

Who I am	Who I want to be	I am not because	I WILL!
I am not always liked by others	I want people to like me and find me interesting	I exaggerate stories and it’s obvious	If I start to exaggerate, I will acknowledge that I’m doing so to myself and the person I’m speaking with, I will instead tell the  real version anyway. I will not exaggerate further. It’s okay to make light of it so I don’t feel embarrassed.
I am too aggressive with my goals. They put my personal relationships to the side.	Someone who can create real balance in their life.	I find it easier to be goal oriented. That is where I have control. When I don’t have control I shy away.	When I am becoming too engaged in my goals, I will stop and call the last person who sent me a message. I will talk to that person for at least 15 minutes and invite them out to lunch. It’s okay for me to be busy, and I don’t need to apologize for it.

Once you have your lists set up, read them every day. Log the interactions you had where you were able to correct your behavior. Remind yourself of the success you can create on your own. 

Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels